Bihari Babu Jokes

A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked: Bhai ek Will dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by the name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and said I want one Will, so the person told him unless you say it correctly i.e Wills I won't sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said "Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain".

* The Most Intelligent Person: Laloo!

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting,"This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said,"Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped. Laloo Yadav said,"I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane. The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump." The school boy said,"Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"

* Special Laloo Postage Stamp!

When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed Rabridevi, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Lallo Prasad. She said: "The stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our people are spitting on the wrong side!"

* Santa and Banta Singh at Laloo's house for Dinner! Laloo and Raabri had Santa and Banta Singh over for dinner at the their house in Bihar. In the middle of dinner, Santa excused himself to use the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back. They finished dinner and left. On the way home, Santa turned to Banta and said, "Did you know Laloo has got a solid gold urinal in his bathroom?" How can we tell the our people , we are serious about cutting the budget when the CM has a solid-gold urinal?" Banta said, "there must be some mistake, I'll call Raabri when we get home and find out. " They get home and Banta calls Raabri and says "Is it true that Laloo has a solid gold urnial in his bathroom" Raabri put her hand over the receiver and says, "Laloo! I found out who peed in your saxphone.!!"

Jayalalitha

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in Chennai. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says,"Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "Jayalalitha just found out the verdict, and she's all depressed. She's lying down in the middle of the highway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and light herself on fire. She just doesn't have Rs.85 Crores for the tax dues. I'm walking around taking up a collection for her." The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far." "So far....ten litres.

" Top Vajpayee's quote on the Gandhi family This is one of the many laughable statements that Mr. Atal Behari Vajpayee has said during his lifetime. Smt. Indira Gandhi ke do bete the. Ek ko desh chalane ka showk tha. Usne ek baar plane chalaya aur plane ko gira diya. Doosre ko plane chalane ka showk tha. Usne ek baar desh chalaya aur desh ko gira diya.

Gyani Zail Singh and Reagan! Gyani Zail Singh went to the US & had a meeting with Reagan. Reagan said, "I want to show you the advancement in technology in USA. Come with me." Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground." Zail Singh digs. Reagan says, "More, more, more..." Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet. Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?" Zail Singh, "I got a wire!" Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!" Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan to India. In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in India!" He takes Reagan to a forest and ask him to dig. After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!" Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet. Zail Singh says, "Find anything?" Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!" GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"

A Gujju Spesal !

Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten? A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"

Q) Why won't the gujju jeweller sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya? A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju asked for KESH.

Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race? (in case of one) A) Tomato KETCHUP.

Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ? A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.

Q) Why did the gujju go to London? A) To see BIG BEHN.

Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ? A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ? A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .

Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning? A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.

Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a fraternity? A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.

Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"? A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.

Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"? A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting. Top Other Regional Jokes Maharastrian jokes ( A little knowledge of Marathi might help )

Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian in the U.S.? A : Western Ghati.

Q : What does a Maharashtrian mean by "fast food"? A : Sabudana Khichdi.

Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian who makes air-conditioners? A : Cool-karni.

Q : Which is the highest office occupied by Maharashtrians in the U.S.A.? A : That of the Vice-President - Dan Quayle(Kale) & Al Gore. : Mumbai-ite jokes :-

Q : How come the Bombay Ranji team has so many fast bowlers? A : West Indians are natural fast bowlers.

Q : How do dogs in Dombivli (place near Bombay) wag their tails? A : Up & down. Because, they don't have enough space to wag sideways.

Q : What did one tamarind in a sack tell its neighbour? A : "I feel as if I am travelling in a Bombay local". Bong jokes ( no knowledge of Bengali reqd ):- :

Q : How does the Bong learn the alphabet? A : A for Orange, B for Bhegetable.... :

Q : How does a Bong relax in the evening? A : He goes to the Howrah Breez to get some Brij.

Q : What does the Bong do first in the morning? A : After baking up from hees slip, he removes the bed-shit.

Q : What does a Calcuttan who has a lot of time do? And what does a hurrying Calcuttan do? A : The one with a lot of time takes some public transport(bus/tram). The Calcuttan in a hurry would walk. . Delhi-ite jokes :-

Q : Red-line private buses are notorious for their recklessness and hit rate. When a red-line bus is on the road, which is the best place be in? A : Inside the bus.

Dravid's dilema!

After the shameful defeat of the Indian cricket team in the final of the Pepsi Cup 99 in Bangalore, the team members were not able to show their faces to people. They chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms. Dravid could not resist for too long to be in his hometown and still not be able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him, "Hi Dravid!" Surprised for having been caught, he comes back and disguises himself as a Muslim woman - in burkha and all, and goes out. Yet the same again - the same woman greets him, "Hi Dravid!". Dravid comes back and is determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him, "Hi Dravid!". Bewildered by now, he could not help asking,"How did you recognize me?" And comes the answer, "Because I am Srinath!"

A Movie by the name Gavaskar Sunil

Gavaskar hears about a movie called 'Gavaskar' newly released in Australia. He feels quite flattered, he knew the Aussies always liked him, despite his run in with 'Dennis Lillee' and all Gavaskar then gets himself invited for the premier, after sitting through the whole show he realizes that there wasn't a single mention of him or his great achievements in the movie. He approached the producer visibly upset. "How come you make a movie called 'Gavaskar' and have no no mention of me in it at all"? The producer replies: "Dont make such a fuss ... you Indians made a movie called Border where there was no mention of Alan Border either"

Azhars Interview

Azhar at the press conference after a victory

press reporter (1) : Azhar, how does it feel to have won this match?

az: Well, you know how it is ....we batted badly, fielded badly and.. (manager geakwad comes running and whispers to azhar frantically)

az : actually...ummm, sorry!...what I meant was we won bec. we did NOT bat badly, bowl badly and field poorly

press reporter (2) : do you miss sachin a lot ?

az : what do you mean (angrily) ? hey! watch your words..I am not that kind of guy...I am happily married...

press reporter (2) : no, no, no ! what I mean is did you miss Sachin in this match ?

az : miss sachin ?! what do you mean ? I keep regular touch with him over the phone, email etc. in fact, I just called and said "hi!"

press reporter (3) : how about your batting form ?

az : my form is great...

press reporter (3) : but you got out to a slog shot...

az : hey! it was not my fault...let me clarify this now...I did not want to hit that shot...I wont mention names but the non-striker asked me to hit that...again, I won't mention names...OK?

press reporter (3) : (puzzled) you mean ganguly ?

az : no comments...it can be anybody....all I can say is it was the non-striker when I was playing...!!

press reporter (4) : this match did not help evaluate the new comers like kambli, shukla etc

az : you are 100% right...again, I won't mention names but I told those 2 idiots who batted till the 48th over to get out soon! they wouldn't listen....they batted on and on...what can I say?! again, I won't say who??....

press reporter (5) : do you think your career was helped a lot by Lady Luck?

az : lady who? I think you got my wife's name wrongly...her name is Lady Sangeetha ..but you can call her just Sangeetha....

press reporter (6) : what is the strategy for next match against Pak?

az : well, you know we might get ramesh...but he has no experience...so, we are requesting jadeja again to open...he says he can't score more than 10 runs and he will not play more than first 3 overs whichever comes first...but he has lot of experience...if he doesn't agree, we might request siddhu or even gavaskar...after all, he is in the commentary box commenting about us all the time...let him try playing these pak. bowlers...!!

press reporter (7) : and do you think we will win WC?

az : good question, man! I sure hope these guys - sachin and the rest play a decent game...my wife wants to spend atleast a month in England, you know...go to malls, watch Wimbledon live...

press reporter (8) : and what about you ?

az : what a question to ask, man! of course, I also want to watch Wimbledon live, you know - this steffi graf, "kya dikthi yaar"...

press reporter (9) : last one...what are your chances in the next match again with Pak? az : well, you know...if we bat badly, bowl badly and field poorly.... then we r surely going to loose the match........but if I manage to get injured somehow....then there is a chance of wining the match OK....any more clarifications on the next match.......? reporter(9):thank u sir..and we 'll pray for ur injury........thanks a lot.....

An insect falls into a mug of beer...

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer -Relates the issue to Kashmir -Asks the Chinese for Military aid -Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

The IT Department upstairs The Information Technology Pantheon: ============================================

* Narada : Data Transfer

* Brihaspati : Chief Information Officer

* Chitragupta : Personnel Records

* Yama : Reorganization Consultant ( we fall in this one)

* Brahma : Systems installation

* Vishnu : Tech support

* Shiva : Power surge

* Ram : Hardware Support

* Apsaras : Downloadable Virus

* Devas : Programmers

* Surya : UNIX System Admin

* Lakshmi : Mgr - Trading Systems

* Krishna : Chief Technology Consultant

* Rakshasas : In House Hackers

JUNK EMAIL GEETOPDESH

Krishna: Apne se badon ke email ka aadar-samman karna seekho, Arjun. Arjun: Main apne hi kul ke aadarniya logon ko junk email kaise bhej sakta hoon, Vasudev ? Krishna : Is samay yeh tumhare mitra ya shatru nahi hain paarth. Vey keval pratidvandvi hain. Islike kshatriya dharm ka paalan karo. Login karo our bhejo junk mail by the dozen - yahi tumhara kartavya hai or yahee tumhara dharma hai. Arjun : Hai muraree ise dekh ker to lagta hai mein job hi chod doon. Krishna : Vats tum mohmaya mein fans gaye ho. Is jagat mein na koi tumhara hai, na tum kisi ke ho. Ye sabhee junk mail main hee bhejta hoon, tum to ek nimitt matra ho. tum se pahle bhee ye junk mail thee or tumhare baad bhee rahegee. Is mohmaya se ooper utho, karm karo. De danadan junk mail bhejo. Arjun : Kintu, iska parinam kya hoga, hey Devaki nandan ? Krishna : Vijay ya parajay tumhare vash mein nahi hai. Issliye parinam ke bare mien sochna band kar do. Tumhe Guru Dronacharya ne junk-shashra ki siksha dei hai (EECS 101). Use nasht mat hone do... jab bhi sensible stuff increase ho jaata hai, prithvi mein mera AOL account khulta hai. Aur main karodon junk mail bhej kar sabko pareshan kar deta hoon. Arjun : Hey Keshav, Junk mail ka system se kya connection hai ? Krishna : Junk mail junk mail hi hai, iska hardware se koi naata nahin. Jis tarah se aatma ek sharir ko chod kar doosre mein pravesh karti hai,usi tarah se junk mail bhi system to system travel karta hai. Arjun : Junk mail ki paribhasha kya hai ? Krishna : Isse na agni jala sakti hai, na varun bhiga sakti hai, na hi yeh jeeta ja sakta hai na hi haara ja sakta hai. Isse bhejne wale ka swayam Mahadev bhi kuch nahi bigad sakte hain.Junk mail amar hai. Arjun : Hey Narayan ! Abhi mere saare fundae clear ho gaye hain. Yashodanandan aapne meree aankhe khol dee, nahin to mein is mohmaya mein pad ker sare junk mail khud hee padh kar delete kar deta ! ********************************************************************** Hari Bol !!! :-)

The Complete No-Sense Ghalib Collection

Bruce Lee's favorite musical instrument: Duff Lee

Bruce Lee's crazy cousin: Pug Lee or Jhal Lee

Bruce Lee in double role: As Lee and Naq Lee

What is Bruce Lee's Favorite dog? - Ju Lee

What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? - Mu Lee (Radish inHindi)

Who is the greatest fan of Bruce Lee? - Malaya Lee

What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch ? - Tha Lee

What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over?Kha Lee

What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name ? - Saa Lee

Bruce Lee's favorite food - Id Lee

Bruce Lee's favorite festival - Diwa Lee

Bruce Lee's favorite picnic spot - Mana Lee

Bruce Lee's favorite tree - Im Lee

Bruce Lee's favorite Actress - Sona lee

Bruce Lee's favorite Music - Qawa lee

What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job? - Coo Lee (Coolie)

When did Bruce Lee die? - Final Lee (finally)

How did Bruce Lee die? - with a Go Lee (Goli=bullet)

An Interview -

NAWAZ SHARIF

Following are excerpts from an interview with Pakistani Prime Minister

NAWAZ SHARIF by BBC's TIM Sebastian on the Hard Talk programme. Caution: This interview could be a little hard on your nervous system, so suspension of belief is recommended.

TIM SEBASTIAN: India has said that it will not use nuclear weapons first. But are you willing to commit that under no circumstances will Pakistan ever use nuclear weapons first?

NAWAZ SHARIF: Well, I can only say that Pakistan always has peaceful intentions and we hope that it will never come to that situation - because right now we have a bit of a problem with our nuclear weapons, since the instruction manuals are in Chinese and nobody in Pakistan understands that language, except those working in the Chinese embassy! Some of my nuclear scientists are also learning the language from a Chinese tutor, but so far they can only spell "Schezwan Sauce" and "Hakka Noodles"...

TIM: So that's why you met the Chinese ambassador over an informal dinner at his residence last Wednesday?

SHARIF: No, no. I had dinner with him because my cook refused to cook. He said he didn't have the requisite permission from our army chief's cook to cook my dinner. You see, my cook reports to the cook of General Parvez Musharraf - and my cook can't even boil an egg unless his cook gives him the permission. It's all very complicated.

TIM: The army runs your life?

SHARIF: No. The army ruins my life!

TIM: Are you telling me that General Musharraf doesn't consult you or seek your permission to do anything? While you are expected to seek his permission even to eat your dinner?

SHARIF: Not really. Just the other day the General consulted me on his sideburns and its implications on the Line of Control. But I didn't seek his permission at all when I sang "dhol baaje dhol" and kept hopping all over my office on my left leg. He came to know about it only when I tripped over a chair, crashed through the window and landed on the lawn outside his office...

TIM: You are a shameless man, Mr

SHARIF, who is dancing to the tunes of his army generals at the cost of his country's economy.

SHARIF: Look, as far as we are are concerned, Pakistan is just not as important as Kashmir. I don't care if Pakistan's economy goes for a toss or my countrymen die of starvation. But the Kashmir problem should be solved at any cost.

TIM: So that's why you are trying to internationalise the Kashmir issue?

SHARIF: Not at all. But, frankly, the Kashmir issue is our only claim to fame. Otherwise why would anybody take any notice of a country like Pakistan? Honestly, we've very little to offer the world - apart from Shoaib Akhtar. As for Wasim Akram, I am going to teach him a lesson for getting involved in betting and match-fixing and losing that World Cup game to Bangladesh - Shaikh Haseena maan jayegi, my foot! And I am not entirely convinced with his explanation that he was misunderstood when he told people to bet on Pakistan losing to India at the Line of Control and not at Old Trafford...

TIM: Forget cricket, but President Bill Clinton has taken a tough stand against you over the Kargil issue and asked you to stepback in line at the Line of Control, right?

SHARIF: Arre, Bill To Paagal Hai. What does he think this is? A kabbaddi match, in which he is the referee with a whistle in his mouth? I am upset with the stand he has taken and last night I couldn't sleep. So I kept listening to an old Hindi film song - "Dost dost na raha, war war na raha" - and cried my heart out. After buying up all his defective weapons, and even those past their expiry dates, this is what I get as a goodwill gesture? And he has the gall to tempt me to end my border badmashi in exchange for a new hair-transplant technology!

TIM: Are you a corrupt prime minister, Mr SHARIF?

SHARIF: I can't answer that, though I will only say that one of us here has six brothers and a Swiss bank account, and it's not you. Got it?

TIM: I got it, but there is little that the people of Pakistan can do against leaders like you, right?

SHARIF: Of course, I don't tolerate any criticism against me. Luckily for me, I am not the Prime Minister of India, who not only has to defend the nation from the enemy across the border, but also defend himself from a million opposition parties who take the term "Opposition" quite literally and oppose everything. I wonder how atal and subtle Vajpayee will be during the upcoming special session of the Rajya Sabha, when he briefs them on the Kargil situation. As for me, it's fun being the Pakistani PM, because I can buy deadly weapons unnecessarily, borrow funds recklessly, wage wars mindlessly and destroy the economy single-handedly - all this for an imaginary Line of Control. Wonder how I would have kept myself busy without the Kashmir problem. Now do you understand why this issue is so important to us?

So a Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor

because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, he has a headache.Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though,that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week. "Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door,but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says,"Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the doctor. "You were just homesick!"