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Reasons for being
single.....from a man's perspective,of course.
Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
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an archaeologist is the best
husband a woman can have;
the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
--Agatha Christie
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money;
you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive
answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
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Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
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Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2
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Marriage is a three ring circus:
---engagement ring :-)
---wedding ring ;-)
---suffering :-(
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is
new or the wife.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
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We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours
That was only for the estimate.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you
let him in!
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward his
car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
the first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."
this is dedicated to
all my friends ( read fools ) who are either
married or engaged.
______________________________________________________________________
That Sums It Up
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS
& STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try
not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
what every girl
says......
5'10" - 6' 2" jiski height ho
jeans dheeli magar body tight ho
bewi ka her nakhra uthaye, itna mizaaj uska light ho
husband apna aisa bright ho
uff tak na kare itna quiet ho
dinner banaye wo jab bhi romantic night ho
shopping ker ke jab bhi aoon, bolay begum tum kitni
nice ho
husband apna aisa bright ho
mujhay rani bana kar rakhay, to phir zindagi delight
ho
saas sussar ke samne kahay, jaan tum hamesha right ho
hamesha jo haar maan jaye, jab bhi kabhi fight ho
husband apna aisa bright ho
jaha chahoon jaoon, jo chahy karoon, kuch is tarah ki
life ho
her doosray week ghoomne phirne ki flight ho
aisa ho jaye to mein udoon aasman mei! n, jaisay ke kite ho
husband apna aisa bright ho.
HANDS DOWN
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops
at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the
sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old
do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29" "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel
really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman
the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my
eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of
telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten
minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man
says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The
old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
THESE ARE ACTUAL
SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.
1. My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E.
today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had
her shot.
3. Dear School: Please John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
botheres by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.
20. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
21. Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
22. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father even got
hot last night.