SUPER ONELINERS FOR YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE

See if you can incorporate the following in your work day.

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did
it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss looklike an incompetent
slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
21. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would
the taxi driver end up owing you money?
22. If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
23. Why is it called building when it is already built?
24. If pro is the oppsite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
25. If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear?
26. If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make fog horns out
of?
27. Is it possible to be totally partial?
28. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
29. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
30. If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
31. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
32. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have
parking lots?
33. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
34. If people from Poland are called Poles, why are'nt people from
Holland called Holes?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
37. When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
38. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
39. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
40. If lawyers are debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, dry cleaners depressed?
41. Why is it if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the
universe,you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
42. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
43. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
44. I thought how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me ...they are cramming for their
final exams.
45. I thought how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
46. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? Are we
supposed to write to them? Why don't they put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while delivering the mail?
47. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

IT HAPPENS ONLY IN AMERICA

ONLY IN AMERICA...
Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions. Only in America ... do people order double cheese burgers, a
large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America ... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
useless junk in the garage...
Only in America ... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first
place...
Only in America ... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight...
Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!