Managing Differences-the 5 A's
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People are so different.We have our different values, beliefs, personalities, interests, and cultures. Besides, the ways we communicate are also different. Some tend to be more direct, others more discreet. we also have different styles of managing people too. Some prefer a more autocratic style, others the more democratic approach. We are confronted with these difference in all arenas of life. These differences, if not managed properly, can have disastrous effects for a nation, a society, a church and even a family.

The critical issue in life is how we manage our differences. Writing from a marital perspective, John Gottman, a marriage therapist, asserts, " Lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the differences that are inevitable in any relationships." Similarly, in our families, churches, organizations and community, it is important that we learn how to manage these differences and use them to our advantage. I would like to advocate the "Five A's" approach in dealing with these differences.

Acknowledge: The first step is acknowledging differences. Some of us simply do not realize that there are differences in people.We simply can not understand why other people believe, think, act differently from us. When we expect others to be like us, we have underestimated our cultural differences. Culture is not the only type of difference. In fact, even among the same culture, there can be personality traits and work habit differences.Even Christians in the same Church are of many different tribes and stripes. If we are not prepared for these differences, we will be sorely disappointed. Ignoring and minimizing these differences can be disastrous for us and others at work, at home, and in the Church.

Accept: After acknowledging our differences, we must learn to accept them. This is where some of us fail. We refuse to accept the other person's differences. We see them as weaknesses and worse still, we may try to correct them. as the maxim goes, it is difficult to teach old dogs new tricks. Personality types, communication modes, management styles, and cultural backgrounds are all ingrained habits. Although cognitively, we know that people are different, but practically, we assume people should behave and act like us.

The greatest folly that any person can make is to deny other peoples' strengths and accentuate their weaknesses inordinately. Acceptance involves self-understanding, understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses, learning to take responsibility for actions, being open to feedback, and a willingness to change.

Accommodate: Accepting differences is still insufficient. The third step involves accommodating differences. When we work together, conflicts may arise. In conflicts, these differences are accentuated and may become a serious impediment to growth and community. Accommodating differences is the ability to recognize that differences may exacerbate the conflcits and we need to adjust our differences accordingly. To accommodate differences, we have to bear the perspectives.
First, focus on the supra-ordinate goals. If we consider the orgaization's greater objectives, we are prepared to adjust our wants for its sake.
Second, recommit ourselves to the core values of the organization.
Third, we have to determine whether the issue is worth fighting over. Very often, many issues are infused with disproportionate importance. We fight over very minor issues only to discover that we have expanded inordinate amount of energy and time in insisting our ways. After the fight, we realize that the issue does not really matter. We need to choose our fights.
Fourth, realize that habits and lifestyles are hard to change. This will help us beecome less impatient and more willing to adjust. However, accommodation becomes difficult, if not impossible, when there is a violation of moral integrity, consistent pattern of violence,a constant fight over core beliefs and values. It is incumbent on us to discuss these issues in a positive way. In these conflicts, we need to focus on the issue and fix the problem rather than attack the person and play the 'blamegame'.

Affirm: Affirmation is the ability to recognize and compliment the worth of the individuals and their contributions. The best relationships in the home, church or office are developed by lots of positive strokes. However, giving affirmation is counter-cultural. Firstly, we are less verbal and tend to adopt a more depreciating stance. Secondly, in our society, we usually focus on the negatives of the other person. We attack rather than affirm, criticize rather than compliment. We need to overcome this cultural bias within us. However, affirming another must be done sincerely. Another perspective about giving affirmation is that we need to applaud people for self-improvement and efforts.

Applaud: This is the ability to share in the joy of success and the sorrow of failure together. The epitome of a highly effective organization, Church or family is the ability to applaud success. We succeed together and we share failures together. Contrast this to what's happening in our society today. When our peers succeed, we feel jealous, we donplay their success or worse still, we sabotage their success. When our peers fail, we celebrate. Instead, we should enter fully into the joy of their success, lend our credibility and ability to make the success possible, and develop people to their fullest potential. These 5A's are the ways that we can transform our differences as colleagues, as family members or fellow Christians into productive resources. In Christ, we celebrate our unity in diversity and at the same time endeavor to become the community that God has intended us to be. Be encouraged.

Scriptures to reflect on:

*Romans 12:10,15,16,18; 13:8; 14:13,19; 15:1,2,7; 1 Corinthians 4:31,32;Philippians 2: 3-5.

*********************Letter # 26 (16.7.2000)****************