This section of jokes is not intended to hurt any player or country and is in pure humour
General jokes
The Devils challenged the Angels to
a game of cricket. "But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.
There was a
long drought in Central Africa. The witch doctor had tried all his rainmaking
dances, imprecations, but to no avail. One of the elders observed that
rain was never a problem in England, so why not send the witch doctor to
London to learn the secret. Off he went to England, learned the secret,
and returned to the tribe.He informed the leaders that these crazy white
men had a big paddock of grass enclosed by a white picket fence. In the
middle were two lots of sticks driven into the ground. Two men, each with
a club, stood next to these sticks and waited for a lot of other men to
spread themselves all over the paddock. Then two more men, wearing black
trousers, four sweaters and six hats, came out to keep a close watch on
the men with the clubs. Then one man got a red rock and threw it at one
of the fellers with a club. AND DOWN CAME THE RAIN!
And just to show that
you can tell the same joke in two different ways:
Two aliens were visiting
Earth to research the local customs. They split up so that they could learn
more in the time allowed. When they met to share their knowledge, the first
alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen. "I went to a large green
field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand
worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field
to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each
end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high
priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests
starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs." "Gee," replied the
other alien, "what happens next?" "Then it begins to rain."
In a village
match, the local squire was at the crease. He missed the first ball of
the day which clipped the off stump and the bail fell to the ground. Picking
it up he looked pointedly at the umpire. "Windy today, isn't it?" he asked."Aye,
Squire," came the answer, "but I'm not, and you're out."
Another famous
cricketer was enticed down to a remote country village and took the field
to tremendous hand from the crowd. He took his guard and faced the local
fast bowler. Down came the ball and uprooted his stumps. As he walked out
he called to the bowler, "Magnificent ball." "What did you expect?" the
bowler growled. "A ruddy turnip?"
In a local match, the umpire was being
jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over
to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?"
asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best
view from here."
A slip fieldsman had a particularly depressing day during
which he dropped no less than ten catches all off the same bowler. After
the game he was talking to the bowler when he broke off and looked at his
watch. "I must go," he said, "I have a train to catch." The bowler looked
at him bitterly. "Let's hope you have better luck with that, then."
The
visiting team was surprised to find that there were no scoring facilities
at the village ground. The captain approached the opposing leader. "How
do you keep the score?" he asked. "Oh, we keep it in our heads, " replied
the captain, a burly blacksmith, "and if there's any argument we settle
it behind the pavilion after the game."
The village teams were ready to
begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They
decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing
of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up
to the captain of the home side. "What do I do?" he asked."It's very simple,"
said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger
and say "OUT". When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"
During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept
trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals
for L.B.W were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman
and said sternly: "I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes."
"I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the
game!"
Some funny Q&A
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath
be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of
the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was
born in England.
Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three
runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel
injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English
version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman
with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient
form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who
removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein,
Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the
rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend
most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q.
Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they
can at least say they passed a century.
Q. Who spent the most time at the
crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed
the cricket whites.
Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Gough put
in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A.
A bat.
Commentary
jokes
Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill -
I'm sorry, Hutton 111. - John Snagge, BBC News
He's usually a good puller
- but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud, Channel 9
In the
back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss
and mitch one. - Tony Greig, Channel 9
It was close for Zaheer, Lawson
threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.- Jack Potter,
3UZ
Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary. - Jim
Maxwell, ABC Radio
I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after
another loss. We may be in the wrong sign...Venus may be in the wrong juxtaposition
with somewhere else. - Ted Dexter, explaining away England's seventh successive
Test loss, to Australia at Lord's, 1993
Playing
against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into
gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, 1980
Yorkshire legend Brian
Close's advice to his team as Gary Sobers came in to bat: Right lads: this
guy's a left hander".
One from the ABC box: Jim Maxwell: "The sight
of Bright holds no fright for Wright" and the prompt reply from I forget
who: "That's right!"
At the royal wedding in 1981 Johnners was commentating
on BBC radio outside St. Pauls cathedral. 'Yes I can see the happy couple
now making their way down the steps of the pavilion'.
'The slow motion
replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was'. Benaud
That tough cricketer
Brian Close was fielding close to the wicket at short leg when the batsman
produced a full-blooded pull shot and the ball hit the fielder hard on
the side of his face. Amazingly it flew straight up in the air and the
batsman was caught at slip. "My God," said a worried fielder going up to
check on Close. "What would have happened if he'd hit you right between
the eyes?" "In that case," growled Close, "the bugger would have been caught
at cover."
"The English," wrote one Englishman, "are not a spiritual people,
and so they invented cricket in order to have some conception of eternity.''
The people of the Indian sub-continent are, however, intensely religious;
and they adopted cricket in order to have some excuse for celebration.
Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.- BrianJohnston,
BBC Radio If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're
left two short.- Bob Massie, ABC Radio
It is important for Pakistan to
take wickets if they are going to make big inroads into this Australian
batting line-up. - Max Walker, Channel 9
It's been very slow and dull day,
but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket.-
Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio
On the first day, Logie decided to chance his
arm and it came off. - Trevor Bailey, Radio 3
Q: Do you feel that the selectors
and yourself have been vindicated by the result? A: I don't think the press
are vindictive. They can write what they want. - Mike Gatting, ITV
The bowler (a very very slow one) bowled the first
ball of the over without any spin whatsoever and the batsman stood directly
in the line of the wicket and was hit on the shin pad. When the bowler
appealed for lbw, the umpire decided in the batsman's favor. The bowler
said nothing until he completed the over, when the following exchange took
place: Bowler: Was the batsman in front of the wicket?
Umpire: Yes, he
was.
Bowler: Did the ball hit him in the pads?
Umpire: Yes, it did. Bowler:
Would the ball have hit the wicket?
Umpire: Yes, it surely would.
Bowler:
Then why didn't you give him out?
Umpire: THAT BALL WOULDN'T HAVE KNOCKED
THE BAILS OFF!
