A gentleman dining at Crewe
    Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
    Said the waiter, "Don't shout
    And wave it about
    Or the rest will be wanting one too."

    A professor named Alistair Quett
    Said, "Three things I always forget.
    There's all my friends names,
    And the times of my trains
    And the third one I can't recall yet."

    There was a young lady named Maud
    Who was the most terrible fraud.
    To eat when at table,
    She never was able
    But when in the larder, Oh gawd !

    There was once a man from Darjeeling
    Who boarded a bus bound for Ealing.
    It said on the door
    Please don't spit on the floor
    So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.

    There was a young man from Crewe
    Who wanted to build a canoe.
    He got to the river
    And found with a shiver
    He hadn't used waterproof glue.

    There was a small goldfish named Pinkie
    Who went for a swim in the sinkie.
    When out came the plug
    He whispered "Glug, glug
    I'll be all at sea in a winkie."

    There was an old woman from China
    Who went to sea on a liner.
    She fell off the deck
    And twisted her neck
    And now she can see right behind her. 

    There was once a lady named Rose
    Who had an extremely long nose.
    When she walked around
    It would drag on the ground
    And get tangled up with her toes.

    There was a young man from Bengal
    Who went to a fancy dress ball.
    He thought he would risk it
    And go as a biscuit
    But a dog ate him up in the hall.
 
    A rare old bird is the Pelican,
    His bill holds more than his belican
    He can take in his beak
    Enough food for a week
    I'm darned if I know how the helican!   

    A critic refused, as reviewer,
    To read the obscene and impure;
    He soon left the scene,
    For the books that were clean
    Just kept getting fewer and fewer.

    There was an old man with a beard,
    Who said, "It was just as I feared - 
    Two owls and a hen,
    Four cranes and a wren,
    Have all built their nests in my beard.

    There was an old man who supposed 
    That the street door was partially closed;
    But some very large rats
    Ate the coats and his hats
    While the futile old gentleman dozed.
   
    There was a young lady of Riga
    Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
    They returned from the ride 
    With the lady inside,
    And a smile on the face of the tiger.

    There once was an old man of Lyme
    Who married three wives at a time
    When asked "Why a third?"
    He replied, "One's absurd!
    And bigamy, Sir, is a crime."

    God's plan had a hopeful beginning
    But man spoilt his chances by sinning.
    We trust that the story
    Will end in God's glory,
    But at present the other side's winning.   

    These rhymes were designed by a priest
    To affect you religious like yeast.
    If they help you to grow,
    Like the yeast in the dough.
    There'll be one better Christian at least.
  
    There was an old lady of Harrow
    Whose views were exceedingly narrow.
    At the end of her paths
    She build two bird baths
    For the different sexes of sparrows.

    There was a young fellow named Hammer
    Whose had an unfortunate stammer
    "The b-bane of my life"
    Said he, "Is m-m-my wife 
    D-d-d-d-d-d-damn er !" 

    There was a lady of Leeds
    Who spent all her time in good deeds.
    She worked for the poor 
    Till her fingers were sore
    This pious old lady of Leeds 

    There was young lady of Leeds
    Who was constantly doing good deeds.
    So she bit her young brother,
    And said to her mother,
    "I'll bind up the wound if it bleeds."

    There was an old person of Gomer
    Who stood on one leg to read Homer.
    When he found he grew stiff
    He jumped over the cliff
    Which concluded that person of Gomer.

    There was a young lady whose chin
    Resembled the point of a pin.
    So she had it made sharp
    And purchased a harp
    And played several tunes with her chin.

    I sat next to the Duchess at tea,
    Distressed as a person could be.
    Her rumblings abdominal
    Were simply phenomenal
    And everyone thought it was me.

    There was a pert young lass of Madras
    Who had a remarkable ass.
    Not rounded and pink 
    As you'd probably think.
    It was gray, had long ears and ate grass.
  
    A sensitive girl named O'Neil
    Once went up in the big Ferris wheel.
    But when half-way around 
    She looked down at the ground
    And it cost her a two dollar meal.

    There was an odd fellow of Tyre
    Who constantly sat on the fire.
    When asked, "Are you hot?"
    He said, "Certainly not,
    I'm James Winterbotten Esquire."

    A canner exceedingly canny
    One morning remarked to his granny
    "A canner can can
    Anything that he can
    But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

    There was young Mr Tate
    Big juicy mushrooms he ate.
    One far-away cousin
    Sent him a dozen.
    The funeral's tomorrow at eight.

    There was a young man from the city,
    Who met what he thought was a kitty.
    He gave it a pat
    And said, "Nice big cat."
    But it swallowed him whole - what a pity.
 
    A professional diver named Lee
    Makes jumps which the crowd pays to see.
    Once he plunged from an oak
    Drawing cheers from the folk,
    For his shorts remained hung in the tree.
 
    A young man lost deep in thought
    Failed to cross the street where he ought.
    When he reached the far side
    He is said to have cried,
    "My pants on a bumper have caught."

    Laid in a clinic for better or worse
    With a deadly cancer and an empty purse.
    With the grave calling
    And the scene appalling,
    I took a final breath and jumped for the nurse.

    A lady swimmer from Sark
    Met up with a man-eating shark.
    The shark swam away
    From the lady that day
    And she safely swam home before dark.

    An elephant born in Tibet
    One day in its cage wouldn't get.
    So its keeper stood near - 
    Stuck a hose in its rear,
    And invented the first jumbo jet.