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When Love Dies

"Official statistics show that the number of divorces in Singapore has more than doubled in the last decade. In 1997, 4687 marriages ended in divorce compared with 2339 in 1987. Census data from 1996 showed that divorces tended to occur in the 5th-6th year of marriage, often involving a child under the age of 5 years. Such was the trend during better economic times. It remains to be seen whether our current economic crisis will further exacerbate marital breakdowns or see a strengthening of bonds in our families." comments a magazine from Singapore.

What has contributed to the rise in divorce rate? Surely marriages of generations past had their own stresses and difficulties. Why is it that couples then stayed together despite financial, health and relational difficulties but couples today are choosing not to? Unlike women of previous generations who might have been entirely dependent on their husbands' incomes, increased financial independence among women now allows them the option of leaving their partners. More importantly however, is the mental acceptance of this option. For indeed there are many with the means to leave but choose not to because they do not allow themselves to entertain divorce as an option. Hence divorce, which wasn't even an option just two generations ago, is now a conceivable option. Unfortunately, many choose the option of ending their marriage because they believe they would be happier without their partners in their lives. This assumes that their problems lie in the other person and not in themselves. This faulty thinking, if uncorrected, will perpetuate one break-up after another.

Counselors with personal experiences and years of counseling with couples tell us that there is one root problem underlying the problems in marriage: Selfishness. We each seek to have our own needs fulfilled, and the pursuit of personal happiness can eventually erode our sense of responsibility and commitment to the one we call our "life-partner." We have somehow come to believe that we are entitled to certain things in life, not the least of which is personal fulfillment. However, when we seek for our own needs to be met above the needs of our spouse, we are left wanting.

Furthermore, we have bought the idea that material wealth will bring security and yet the pursuit of such comforts not only strains our physical and mental health, it leaves us with little time and energy for investing in the relationships that matter most in our lives.

The head of a counseling center, who has spent numerous hours in mediation with couples observes that many conflicts arise over financial matters. In her analysis, many couples are over-stretched financially as well as emotionally having to support both aging parents and growing children while maintaining costly lifestyles. "Unfortunately," she states, "people are entering marriage with conditions. The perceived inequality of roles leave people feeling short-changed in the relationship." Some carry into marriage the misconception that he/she needs only contribute 50% to the relationship, expecting the other to contribute likewise. However, marriage of two total persons for a lifetime requires 100% contribution from each party.

First, we must clean up our own act. We must be willing to take a hard look at ourselves and see the ways in which our pursuit of personal happiness can result in selfish ways that grieve the heart of God and hurt our relationships and ultimately ourselves. What really matters to us, and why? We must re-order our priorities according to Biblical mandate so that once again, we orientate ourselves to serve in our marriage rather than be served (Phil. 2:3).

Second, we must evaluate our values based on how our resources of time and energy are spent so that we do not continue to be distracted by material things and status symbols. The challenge before us today is to become aware of the values we have adopted from the society we live in, which lead to such unhappiness in relationships. The influence of the larger culture is subtle and gradual. Unless we are willing to confront ourselves, we may not even know the reasons for why we live the way we do.

Third, we must individually put to death our pride, which results in hypocrisy, and admit that we all have flaws in the way that we relate with our loved ones. Unless and until we are ourselves willing to take a hard look at our own relationships, we are in no position to judge that of others. Jesus prompted this self-evaluation in Matthew 7:1-6 when urging his listeners to first address the log in their own eyes before picking out the speck in others. Furthermore, as we acknowledge our personal difficulties in relationships, the transparency that emerges will allow others to feel safe enough to approach us.

Finally, both forgiveness and accountability must characterize the way in which we relate to others. Taking on the attitude of Jesus towards the woman caught in adultery, we must tell each other (and ourselves) to "go and sin more," that forgiveness is available, but so is accountability for all the future behaviors. Rather than maintaining a veneer of politeness, we must give each other permission to ask difficult questions so that we can be corrected.

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Encouragingly Yours,

Othniel.